Friday 19 July 2013

Day 257: Curve Ball

Pre-work, CBC-listening, doodle.

It seems like whenever I'm lacking sleep, life throws a curve ball just to see how I handle the stress. I haven't been sleeping well for the past two nights. That is, if I sleep at all. I keep going to bed late, and then I can't fall sleep. If I do, every single thing wakes me up. Then I have weird nightmares that wake me up and I have these weird half-awake delusions where my dreams carry into my awake world, sneaking around as the shadows in my room. I'm not enjoying it, and now it's catching up to me. Today my work was the most stressful it's been, right off the bat. Being exhausted, I almost broke into a panic attack after nearly snapping at some tour chaperons. I didn't, but I came close. Being without solid sleep makes me an unstable person. It makes me an anxious person. I could feel my anxiety kicking it. Then random other stresses presented themselves, even now as I prepare to go to bed. Now I'm angry, mixed with anxious and mixed with lethargy. For me, lethargy is what I call hopeless exhaustion, where I just want to give up for a day and not do anything. Just sleep and read and stay in bed. Tomorrow is the Wonderland Tea Party for the Steampunks, and even though I've been excited for months, I now just want to go to work for the full day, instead of half a day, and then be alone. I don't want to be around my friends and extended social group. The idea makes me too anxious and almost afraid, and at the same time, I feel like if I skip out, I will somehow be letting people down. I just don't want to be around people that I like. I hate feeling this way, where I'm just so exhausted that I want to break apart my world and burrow away for a little while. I can only blame myself, really, because I stay up late, trying to both pack and do something creative for the day, and try to figure out my life. I don't even know what it is that I'm trying to figure out any more. I guess I should go to bed... and maybe I'll feel better in the morning. I'm letting myself sleep in for ten extra minutes. But I still don't know if I'll even want to bother going to Wonderland. Which would be really too bad, and I've promised too much to the organizer to not go. And yet... A big, depressed, part of me is telling me to just put myself first... but through some kind of cruel twist of conscience, I can't do that. 

I'm going to sleep.

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